Boredom happens, as it’s the primary fear of monogamy, a lack of newness. So don’t ignore it or let it get swept under the rug. Also, see boredom as normal feedback in your relationship, instead of believing sex is failing. It only means it’s time to get active, dynamic, and try new things!
David Schnarch, in his book, Passionate Marriage, argues that all couples get to a normal marital knot of sorts, a sense of nothing’s working, and couples are arguing all the time, no one budges, and no forgiveness. To get over this normal knot, try relationship counseling, and see it as feedback instead of a divorce sentence. Schnarch writes how it’s important to uncover your strengths in counseling, to grow how resilient you really are! So many of us settle for the “same old, same old”, and head towards divorce, when couples can learn to tolerate discomfort for growth, and really GET INVOLVED with how INTENSE good relationship is! I will show you have to shine light on the BEST ASPECTS of your self and your relationship, instead of the “same old same old” causing you to withdraw and put a lid on your healthy aspects of your self.
Tip 2: Differentiate (Self-soothe): Instill and Remember Self-Regulation and Self-Charge for Increased Sexual Intimacy!
Don’t we all remember the romantic stage where it seemed our partner “got us off” in what felt like endless sex? This stage of romance is wonderful, enjoy it fully, and remember that it’s a stage! What are we as adults to do when the sex gets boring, which is normal, and the normal fighting happens more and more? Counseling can teach or guide you how to have a different approach to these normal stages.
One of the main approaches I teach is to “self-soothe” and “self-charge” for increased sexual intimacy! What this means is that you can learn to calm your self down when normal anxiety comes up, which can keep you from fleeing or freezing up. Plus, you can learn to “charge your self” up for increased sexual intimacy using your own oxygen, awareness, and your own body’s “groundedness”. In other words, I can help you learn how to calm your self down when normal anxiety comes up. Secondly, using breathing techniques, you can learn to charge your self up in a different way for increased sexual intimacy!
Tip Three: Practice Fun, Dynamic Growth, Adventure, and Loss of Inhibitions – in Bed!
Through counseling, passionate monogamy teaches you how to renew passion so what’s important is fun, humor is alive, sex matters, and adventure leads to growth. Think about banishing inhibitions instead of cherishing them, so you don’t stifle natural pleasure, stop creativity, or hide your self from your partner. When you are self-soothing and self-charging (see above), you will have more confidence in making your SELF feel more alive and more grounded in your body, and less dependent on your partner to validate you. When they are doing the same thing, growth and adventure with sexual intimacy can happen naturally! When your partner is charging themselves up with breathwork techniques, they will look transparently ALIVE! In this way, you learn to value transparency with each other, instead of secrecy, since you KNOW how to charge your self up, while you are WITH them too! This means you are more like equal TEAM MATES, instead of one person sacrificing themself. Both of you are ACTIVE instead of passive, renewing the romance, instead of believing it happens by itself. Stoke passion like you would a fire….don’t let your oxygen go out! In this way, learn to celebrate improvements in you sex life, instead of criticizing imperfections. Passionate monogamy is something to PRACTICE, as it’s never perfected, there’s always some way to grow.
When relationship upsets you, try to practice FORGIVENESS, since as humans we all make mistakes. When you love someone, forgive them for mistakes! Through counseling, learn how compassion can be uncovered for you self when your partner makes mistakes. I teach couples to get back in to their romantic rituals quickly after an upset, including date nights, and vacations. See your couple time as an investment in happiness, with shared adventures, novel intimacies, and new avenues to explore! In this way your partner can be seen as a “playmate”, like a friend you can relax with. If you’re stuck in the roles of husband and wife, learn how to get beyond this by valuing FREEDOM, and not control! Remember how everyone loves to grow personally, explore, be themselves, play, and enjoy solitude. Plus we have up and down days that don’t have to be dwelled upon.
I teach a balance of connection/relationship/fantastic sex and healthy autonomy. For connection, consider some agreements:
1) Agree that fun is a worthwhile past time. In other words, do things just for the fun of it, such as a weekly date, heading out or staying in.
2) Agree that shared common experiences are worthwhile. Do you both like concerts, dancing, or growth workshops? How about a class together?
3) Agree that relaxing together helps with stress. Herbal tea with hops or valerian? A couples massage periodically?
4) Agree that travel getaways and surprise gifts help keep you both feeling valued and appreciated. Try vacations that last longer than four days, and include no children. Ever been to a dude ranch or on an all-inclusive cruise?
5) Agree that nourishing your souls together is important. What about volunteering, going to yoga, or to church? What’s important is that you open your hearts together, and feel grateful.
Passionate monogamy can be learned, so you can have better sex when the normal marital knot of boredom is dealt with. The normal marital knot can be transformed through getting involved with the natural intensity and best aspects of your selves! As adults, learn through counseling how your satisfaction is not your lover’s responsibility, and get more orgastic your self through some self-charging! Through differentiation (self-soothing) practice, you can also calm your normal anxiety. With this comes more self-confidence in your capacity to charge your self up, which I can teach you in a few sessions. Remember to practice fun, meaningful agreements with yourselves. What’s the point if not to enjoy each other as you both grow, learn, and recover from life’s foibles!