Have you ever wondered what makes for really good sexual intimacy? The years of training in Integrative Body Psychotherapy taught me three basic tips for high quality sex: ground in the body, stay in contact, and increase your breathing or oxygen together.
First, ground in the body. What does this mean? Learn in the office and sit up in your chair, have both feet flat, eyes open, and breathe deep belly breaths. Lay down to practice at home and raise your knees so your feet are flat, keep your eyes open, and breathe deeply in to your belly – a yoga breath. Monitor where your body is touching the bed. Kneeling it can mean to let your body be grounded through your knees touching the bed or floor. Stay present with your self as you breathe, and monitor how you can feel good inside as you slowly add oxygen for more aliveness.
Secondly, maintain good contact with your self and with your partner. This means sense where you feel good in your body, and visually stay in contact with your partner, without an intense stare. Try this by breathing together while you look at one another, feet grounded flat on the floor while sitting, or flat on the bed while you lay down next to one another. This belly breathing is very calming, which is important as you add more tingly oxygen to your body.
Third, add oxygen or energy to your body to feel good, warm, and tingly, especially when you maintain a grounded position. Try a different kind of breathing, called “charge” breathing. A set of ten upper chest quick-breaths, a sudden intake of air, brings oxygen in to your body rapidly. Then, change back to belly breathing for ten or more slow belly breaths, allowing the tingly warm oxygen to spread down through your body, to feel calm and alive at the same time! Experienced couples know how to breathe in sets together: charge breathing for ten or twenty breaths, followed by grounding/belly breathing for another ten or twenty breaths, over and over. This gradually increases the sexual charge between partners, so a few minutes later both are grounded, tingly, pulsing, and calm, which allows for a buildup towards electric sex later.
Clients have asked for years how to have high quality foreplay before sex. Isn’t the partner supposed to be the main turn-on? The secret is to learn to charge your self up with oxygen, and maintain contact with your partner, who is doing the same thing! Add oxygen, breathe together, and look at one another with some dim lighting. Touch each other slowly over time, beginning with extremities, while you watch your partner charge them self up, and while you enjoy your own charge. Pushing for orgasm can be a thing of the past as you practice being grounded together at a high charge, tingling, pulsing, and moving together during belly breaths, less so during charge breaths. Maintain a grounded contact with your self, allow increased levels of contact through your eyes, and let oxygen be the catalyst for good sex. Go from asking your partner to turn you on to being able to charge your self up, which excites your partner as they breathe along with you during sex.