Three Tips How Couples Counseling Improves Communication and Differentiation for Better Sexual Intimacy. Self Soothe Instead of Asking Your Partner to Validate You!

Do you find your self bored with your partner and/or you have the same old fights? Does it seem like your partner doesn’t really get who you are, or doesn’t see you for how you really are?

These are normal human needs – to be seen, appreciated, and wanted, especially when we are young. It’s what babies need in spades, so they can grow to be adults that see, appreciate, and want – to love others – from a place inside that sees, appreciates, and wants, them self! These steps and others are all important to becoming an adult, so one can fill their own cup most of the time. Love another from a “filled cup” place inside your self, a solid, bountiful, adaptable, and expansive sense of your self – that you are in charge of.

How to do this?

Practice these three tips:

1) Begin a CENTERING or MEDITATING practice so you can enjoy a “filled up”, calm, solid, open sense of your self inside! It’s normal to ask the world, your job, your thoughts, and especially your partner, to fill you up. A wonderful gift when it happens, and most of us take this gift to be the only way it does happen. Make the choice to expand how you see, validate, and soothe your self to include a practice of centering your self, which is very self validating, especially when the world, your thoughts, your job, or your partner, aren’t doing it for you. Ten minutes a day to start with can be quite effective.

2) Ask your partner to practice REFLECTIVE LISTENING for improving communication, as little as once or twice a week. So often our intimate relationship gets too fast, complicated, and stressed to really understand what’s going on with the other. One person can initiate this kind of interaction, which can slow down the escalating stress we all have, so that super-quick anger has less chance of slowing sexual intimacy.

3) Experiment with charging up your own body instead of asking the job, the caffeine, sugar, or your partner, to do it for you! Learn how simple breathing techniques can make you feel alive, tingly, warm, while at the same time grounded, present, and responsive – for increased sexual intimacy. When your partner sees that you know how to charge your self up from within, THEY’LL want to learn along with you! The electric energy of sexual intimacy can be shared and enjoyed from a grounded sense of self in your body that you are ultimately in charge of your self!

When you go from bored or fighting endlessly with your partner, to a growth orientation to fill your own cup, you are well on your way to being adult and loving well! Center your self, listen reflectively, and charge your self up for intimacy, which can put you in a place of soothing your own anxiety, and love your partner from a place of adult self validation, which feels calm from within.


Jim Bowen MA LPC has been assisting individuals and couples since 1992, with offices in Boulder and Denver. Contact Jim with email or call him at 303-534-8717. Why not call for a free consultation?