Do You Want to Get Through Super-Quick Anger for Better Sex?

Robin and Jeff (not their real names) argued for the majority of their last two years together.  Robin wanted more connection, felt alone in the relationship, and wanted sex to be gentle.  Jeff  had always been logical and direct in what he wanted in the world, and in the bedroom.

When  Jeff expressed what he wanted in his direct and quickly aggressive style,  Robin tended to back off, divert herself with flirtations outside of the relationship, and smoldered in her own anger towards Jeff.

Their fights escalated  loudly, quickly, and they both found that their sex life suffered.  They didn’t know how to de-escalate their fights, how to calm down, how to listen without blaming, how to get over their fights.    They both wanted their sex life, and their marriage intimacy, back.   They showed up at my office ready to quit on the relationship, not sure where else to turn, and very angry with each other.

What causes  super-quick anger  to affect sexual relationship?

Super-quick anger is normal, and it’s a separating emotion.  That’s what anger does. It gets us away from what we don’t like at the moment.  Sex can be affected when we believe the anger totally instead of seeing it as a normal release of human emotion.  Learning how to release anger in a non-blaming way can improve your sex life.

Why does super-quick anger make sex difficult?

Super-quick anger turns on our body’s natural “flight or fight” mechanism in our nerves.   We believe that the other person is a threat to us.   Releasing anger with a few proven techniques doesn’t have to make us fly away or fight automatically.

When does super-quick anger affect sex?

Super-quick anger can affect sex when one or both people are primed for a fight.  At times we believe the other person takes our sexual pleasure away.   Find out how you can turn normal tension in to sexual satisfaction with a few techniques.

How can super-quick anger be dealt with to improve your sex?

Super-quick anger can be dealt with for better sex!   With my relationship counseling discover how to release anger, how to calm oneself,  and how to listen without blame.  It’s not as hard to hold on to yourself as you may believe, and you can get better with practice.

Anger deflates me!   They try to win by withdrawing sex.

Deflation is a normal response when a sex partner gets angry.  On top of that, when a partner withdraws sexually it can bring up normal feelings of aloneness.  I can show you how to move these normal feelings through your body so your sex life can reappear even more meaningfully, strong, and with more fun.

Doesn’t everybody just try to get away when their partner is pissed off?

Getting away happens in relationship.  Sometimes people need a little space, and anger is the only way they know to get it.  You can learn how to give yourself space without anger through healthy relationship boundaries.     Also through my couples counseling you can have a healthier relationship with yourself and your emotions, including anger.  Bottling up emotions can be understood and overcome.

My whole family fights a lot.  Isn’t that the way it is?  Why change?

Some families do fight a lot to get their points across.  It’s important to find out what happens in both of your families with super-quick anger so your sex life can become more fulfilling.   Relationships can get normally over-connected so that anger is the most basic way to have your own space, which quashes sex.

Robin and Jeff

In marital therapy, Robin and Jeff were pleasantly surprised to begin by remembering the romance when they first got together.    Robin learned though boundaries and breathwork how to make herself more alive, grounded,  and sensual.   She let go of using flirtations as a way to feel sensual aliveness and to get space from Jeff.   She discovered that direct sexual communication with Jeff was a turn-on in the bedroom for him.  Jeff’s intense anger was addressed specifically so he learned the roots of his aggressive style, ways to get the anger out away from his partner, and ways to calm himself down instead of reacting vehemently.  He learned to listen and empathetically express what he wanted with Robin without it leading to arguments.  Now with some maturity in their relationship, they have their own respective space AND sexual connection instead of fighting all the time.  This gave their relationship a new lease on life, and they’re considering another child!

They learned how to make their bodies much more sexually grounded and alive without giving the other person so much power.   They learned how to talk with each other so the tension could be turned around for better sex with each other.  You can do the same.

Super-quick anger is normal, and happens in any relationship, when the romance we all thought would last forever becomes not so romantic.   Learning to turn the negativity around for better relationship and better sex can happen!  A few tools and techniques such as learning how to calm oneself down,  positive relationship boundaries, and releasing anger without hurting yourself, or the other, can make for two happier people!  Become people who know how to make themselves feel more sexually alive, and grounded, so then the relationship has a chance to grow beyond the same old fights.


Jim Bowen MA LPC has been assisting individuals and couples since 1992, with offices in Boulder and Denver. Contact Jim with email or call him at 303-534-8717. Why not call for a free consultation?