Healthy Marriage, Trust, and Couples Counseling: Build Intimacy Without Checking for Emails and Phone Calls.

Have you found yourself looking at your partner’s emails or phone call list?  It’s so normal to “just have to know”, so a quick check can’t hurt anything.  Or, can it?   Think about the last fight you had with your partner when they checked your emails, or calls made on your phone, without your permission.


Couples for centuries have fallen in to feeling jealous or insecure about their intimate relationship.  Then curiosity, dread, and anger can combine to try to “prove” something by checking your partner’s email or phone call list.  At times big fights happen next, as one or the other feels threatened, forgotten, lied to – and trust is lost.



Build Intimacy and Trust: Talking, Self-Soothing, and Bonding.


Practice rebuilding trust in your relationship –  talk about your agreements!  Without accusing your partner, communicate about how you would like your privacy treated, and also commit to treating theirs the same.  Couples at times ask me if I sanction checking each other’s emails or phone calls.   I ask them if they want their partner to be a police person or a parent checking up on them, and everyone declines.


Learn to self-soothe your own anxiousness about who your partner sends emails to or calls.  Breathe deeply and calmly, relaxing yourself from the inside.    Remember that you don’t want your partner to be a cop in your life, so as you calm yourself, resist the temptation to grab their phone or look up their emails.  Couples counseling for a healthy marriage can teach you how to validate yourself when it seems like you are feeling insecure about your partner’s commitment.   Clients know they can come from a place of integrity and bonding with their partner through marital therapy, which helps each to feel more secure while the bond gets deeper.


It’s very important to bond with your partner and commit to your well-being, and theirs, at the same time.  By checking up on their emails or calls, you may think you’re gaining some power, when one is actually making yourself smaller or more powerless, and demeaning the relationship,  Your sexual intimacy can increase when you validate yourself and love your partner for who they are, while respecting their privacy. Then the watchdog email and phone call checking can be a thing of the past, as your healthy relationship grows.




Jim Bowen MA LPC has been assisting individuals and couples since 1992, with offices in Boulder and Denver. Contact Jim with email or call him at 303-534-8717. Why not call for a free consultation?