When sex drops, or fights begin again, what do you do? Isn’t it frustrating to admit the relationship needs more help? Aren’t relationships “fixed” with a few sessions, years a go? This is a normal experience of couples who slide back in to habits, and find there are somehow more fights, and little communication, at times. Refresher sessions are for couples who want to quickly rebound out of the doubt, anger, and blame when things aren’t going well – to better sex!
Admit poor relationship habits can come back. Acknowledge that we are all only human, that survival habits have a way of creeping back in to any relationship. Acknowledging this fact can be a first step in “getting out of fragmentation”, which is the sense of hopelessness and negativity we all feel when the relationship isn’t going well. Try saying out loud, or writing in your journal: “I’ve been fragmented before, and I’ll be fragmented in the future. I’ve gotten out of it in the past and I can get out of it now.” Notice the sense of hope that things can get better! Instead of blame, get your sense of well-being back by this tip, and the next one.
Get present, breathe, and bring your self back to the present. Many couples can refresh their experience of how oxygen helps bring people back to the “here and now”. Sit in a chair with feet flat, or lay on your bed, knees raised, so you can ground in your body. With eyes open, practice IBP breathwork, a set of ten upper-body inhale panting breaths, followed by ten or more low belly, slow relaxation breaths. Repeat this as you relax, and feel more alive, with extra oxygen in your body. Your inner warmth or expansion near your heart and lungs can bring about a sense of “I am” or “I exist”, which is very comforting from the inside out, and heals that hopeless feeling.
Take care of your self while listening to what’s going on with your partner. Couples who refresh the relationship know that good communication helps two people feel heard and loved. Pick a time to talk, then listen well to what your partner has to say. Hold on to your self, or intentionally breathe while you listen. This is called “reflective listening”, and practicing this tool with your partner can mean the issues get dealt with more quickly, so you can move on to better sex! An upset doesn’t have to last forever, so remember you really do love the other person, and that disagreements can get worked through. Then take the leap to talk about having sex with your partner, as a way to show your self and them that old issues aren’t held on to. Make up after a disagreement, and have more fun!